My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
