Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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