I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
