Kiss
Puke
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
do nipples grow back?
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