I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
no you cant smoke seaweed
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Randomize
