Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
How does it feel to date your dad?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
