This dress was meant to end up on your floor
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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