We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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