So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
