you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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