i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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