Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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