Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
