I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
