Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
