Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I understand Curling. That high.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
