I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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