Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
