It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
