i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
