then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
