Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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