I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
