if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
