Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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