Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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