Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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