You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
