Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
