"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
