We won't sleep together?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
