Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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