Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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