Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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