Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
