she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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