She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
