Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
A bitchslap is in order.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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