Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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