Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
