Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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