Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
