Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
