matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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