when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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