he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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