Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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