I love black thongs
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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