Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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