By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
