He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Boobs are out for the taking
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
