so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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